Friday, April 1, 2011

The Awesome Implications of Narwhal Telekinesis.

In case you missed it, there's BIG news in the world of cetology.  Dr. Sven Sorensen of the Danish Research Institute for Whales, Dolphins, and Porpoises, has just announced a finding that will fundamentally alter our perception of our mammalian cousins in the sea.  NOAA is providing updates as they become available, be sure to follow them here.

Since 1988, Dr. Sorensen has been the world's leading expert on the narwhal, a tusked whale native to arctic waters, resembling something like a beluga crossed with a unicorn.  These fascinating creatures have remained somewhat of a mystery until recently, when Dr. Sorensen made a startling discovery.  You see, we've always known that whales are smart.  As mammals, they teach their young as we humans do, they engage in play and even problem-solving.  But no one could have expected what Dr. Sorensen has just discovered.

It turns out that narwhals have a kind of telekinesis, seated within the R-complex of their brains!  It sounds like science fiction, but some scientists have long suspected that there might be some sort of biological connection to the quantum world around us.  Dr. Robert Lanza, author of the incomparably illuminating book Biocentrism, argues that life controls the Universe, that the Universe could not even exist without a biological medium, something that could give it some kind of purpose.  Many skeptics have shunned Dr. Lanza's work, but now it seems he may have been right all along.

To understand the nature of the narwhal's telekinetic abilities, we would want to examine what it is the whales might need it for.  For many years, narwhals were thought to use their giant tusks as a kind of ice breaker, for making holes in the arctic ice sheet so that they can breathe.  Well, Dr. Sorensen has now discovered that narwhals actually manipulate the ice sheet with their minds, moving them about by sheer thought, and contrary to the prevailing hypothesis, the tusks may simply be used to boast to other whales about their mental faculties.  New research suggests that narwhals can sometimes exhibit jealous behavior, and in a violent conflict between two males, one might actually toss the other onto the ice above, where the whale might die of extreme cold and inability to return to the water.  Indeed, several narwhal carcasses have been discovered on the ice in recent years with no apparent means of getting there.  It now seems clear that in the midst of whale combat, fighting over a female perhaps, they might actually be tossed around by their opponent's telekinesis, sometimes up to 20 or even 30 meters.

But perhaps more important than what this new discovery tells us about the narwhal are the incredible implications for our own brain power.  It's just in the preliminary stages, but Dr. Sorensen and his team at the DRIWDP are working on finding a way to isolate the functions of the narwhal brain and see how we might apply it to our own brains.  In other words, if they can figure out how the telekinesis works, they could extrapolate that knowledge to figure out how we might employ this little trick for our own benefit.  Think of the possibilities!  With just a little tinkering in the deepest recesses of our brains, where our inner crocodile lurks, we might be able to control our computers with our minds, do our yardwork without leaving the porch, and just maybe, hug our loved ones from far away.  It's too soon to say for sure, but we may be on the cusp of a new revolution in brain power.

Of course, this power will come with awesome new responsibilities.  What might we do on the subway, with people jostling about and tempers flaring?  Could our newfound faculties give us superhuman strength that we might use to combat our irritating neighbors?  And who will get the technology?  As it is a Danish state organization, the DRIWDP is under no obligation to share its findings in detail outside of the country.  This could turn out to be a blessing and a curse.  You see, we're getting into a realm of what you might call "dangerous knowledge."  What if our enemies figure out how to crush our tanks with their minds?  What if they get the technology before we do?  Could there be entire battles fought with just the force of our brains?  And just how much power could we attain with just a little tweak in the wiring of our brains?  It's easy to see how such a situation could lead to a new kind of brain-power arms race.  If the Danes keep the knowledge to themselves, the world might be a little bit safer, but then again, they alone might possess the technology and become a fearsome force in 21st century Europe.

It will be critical that we begin our own investigations of the narwhal's uncanny abilities, and we can be sure the United States will be undertaking this major project in short order.  But we must be careful about what we let out of the box... once this sort of power is unleashed on the world, there will be no going back.  The narwhals have lived more-or-less peacefully, because whales are gentle creatures, far more intelligent than we give them credit.  I'm not so sure we humans are ready to handle the responsibility.


  1. Hello, Teachey, a rather intriguing post here. I just might look up the reference to find out what the evidence in favor of telekinesis is (other than simply finding narwhales on top of the ice instead of under it - telekinesis is a little like citing magic for that).
    Anyway, I've followed your blog for a while now, quite a fan, and I'm interested to know what you read, so I've cited you (I know, I sort-of hate these things too) for a meme at Hope you'll respond!

  2. Personally speaking, I am terrified at these psi-whales. Even while typing this I'm boarding up windows and doors until the government deals with these dastardly unicorns of the high seas.

  3. Why, O why did I choose today to visit a new blog?!

  4. I'm not sure what to believe that's published on April 1st, but when we finally do take telekinesis research seriously I think we'll find it's impractical to do these things we dream about, like you said, "crush tanks" "do our yardwork without leaving the porch," and "just maybe, hug our loved ones from far away." Training the mind to do it is like training to be a competitive body builder or Olympic gymnast - how practical are those? So, we'll likely only see it in entertainers, special purpose soldiers, and maybe lock smiths. We won't know until there's a telekinesis revolution and people try to push its limits, it's quite possible this dormant ability is capable of increasing it's power exponentially to who knows what limits.

  5. Michael Jordan was a telekinesist, Tiger woods too.

  6. Thank you for sharing this very interesting hypothesis! If that becomes a fact, it will be possible to think that there is no natural disaster?! Oh my GOD:)))